Yitzhak Bar-Yosef- Liora

One of these days Im going to get up in the morning and all the life is going to leak out of me like a tyre with a hole in it, Ill go whoosssh and collapse on the floor and thatll be that, no more Liora. Yesterday I stayed in bed, I didnt go to work, and Miri called me from the phone box outside the supermarket, I picked up the phone and just lay there holding it, flat on my back staring at the ceiling with the wires poking out of it and the black stains of the water that leaks in from the roof, and I didnt answer, I just listened to her shouting Liora, why dont you answer me, and Gili on the other side of the pasteboard wall cleaning his teeth with the radio on full volume the way he likes, and the garbage men dragging the bins across the road, and Gili shouted at me through the wall Ma, arent you going to work today? So I told him I had the day off and Miri heard me and she said Day off? Whats the matter with you, Liora, get out of that bed, are you listening to me? All right, okay, I said, Im getting up, and I waited for her to hang up but she didnt and I could hear the noise in the street outside the supermarket, the traffic blaring and the bread truck, its got this special beeper from France, it plays a tune like Frère Jacques, dormez-vous, and I waited a bit, humming to myself Ring the bell for matins, ding-dang-dong! Then I hung up the phone and pulled the covers over my head, but the phone started ringing again and it rang and rang and rang until I finally picked it up and I heard Miris voice like it was coming from very far away: Liora, whats up with you, get out of that bed this minute and come to work! And I said, Okay, Im coming, and I got dressed and got on the bus and got off the bus, like a robot, and I got to the supermarket and just as I pushed open the big glass door and went past the long line of trolleys piled with goods waiting for customers, Menahem the snake grabbed me and started on me behind the ice-cream display fridge. Whats the idea, he says, coming to work at half-past nine? You think this is a holiday camp? Just you wait, Ill give you holiday camp, soon youll be able to stay at home as much as you want. But I kept my mouth shut and took my time going to my station, it was like I didnt care about anything, and thats the way it was the whole morning, the cottage cheese and the milk and the floorwax and the beans in tomato sauce and the soyaburgers and the humus and the pastrami and the low-calorie sliced bread, forty calories a slice, so why does it cost more? one of the customers started on me, if its low calorie it ought to cost less, and I told her if she didnt want it I wouldnt ring it up and she could ask Menahem, the manager, hed tell her all about calories, but she was in a hurry and said Never mind, never mind, and she paid and left, and I felt Miri looking at me, I could feel she was sad. It was the first time I ever saw Miri sad. Later on, when there werent many people, Miri left her cash register and came and sat on the table next to me where the customers put their shopping bags and said, Wait and see, youll meet a nice guy, life will be good to you too, and I said to her, How can life be good to me, look at me, Ive already had the best out of life, from now on its the shitty side, what man would want me now, the way I look. So Miri, she hugged me, and she said to me, First of all, go on a diet and second of all buy yourself some nice clothes and youll be a living doll, and third of all, lifes full of surprises, so why think about the down side? She gave me a smile, and Miri, when she smiles at me, her smile cheers me up a bit, and I said to her Miri, youre an angel, life should only be good to you, honest, and she hugged and kissed me and I smelled her, what a smell! Its not only her perfume, its her good luck in life. Its got a lovely smell, has luck, and its the smell that comes off Miri, my best friend, who turns up at work every morning with her boyfriends kisses on her mouth and neck. Ever since she started at the supermarket, weve been working side by side, and I wont let anyone separate us. Then she went back to her station, while like my lifes got too much pleasure in it a little girl with braids comes to me, her mother sent her to buy for her school trip a bread roll and fruit yoghurt and a plastic bag of chocolate milk and popcorn and potato chips, and after I finished ringing it all up I saw 13 in the cash register and I got the fright of my life, I felt ants crawling down my back, and I looked at her; Dont you want something else, dear, I said to her, what about a chocolate wafer? Theres a special today, one and a half shekels instead of two, but she went no no no with her head and she said Sweets give you holes in your teeth, and she went and left me with that 13 in the register and I looked at Miri, whod got her walkman on and was swaying on her chair, and I said to her, See what came up on my register, but she didnt hear me, she was sitting there with her eyes closed singing along with the walkman that no one else can hear, and I thought to myself Miri, Miri, her life is roses and mine is thorns and I looked at that 13 right in front of my eyes and then I heard Elazra from the third station, next to the pile of toilet rolls in cases, warning us, Watch it, the snakes on the way, and doing her little take-off of Menahem and his "you think this is a holiday camp." That Elazra, shes tops at taking the mickey, once she picked up the phone in Menahems office, she put on his glasses and pinched her nose with two fingers and talked exactly the way he does on the phone. Right after her warning, Menahem came up and stood there in front of us and said that Head Office told him theyd have to fire one of us soon due to the situation, because ever since the new shopping mall opened across the road three storeys, new bargains every day we have a lot less customers and Menahem said that if none of us volunteered hed have to choose the one to go, and while he was talking his eyes were going all over us and stopped on Miri who, although shed taken off her walkman, Menahem isnt what you could call crazy about her because once she slapped him in the face after he put his hand on her fanny when she came to him for small change, he thinks that if hes the manager the skys the limit, so because of that slap and also because shes the youngest and the newest it was clear he was going to give her the push, and I got up and went over to her and put my arm around her and I said that if she went I would too, and then Menahem puts on this act, he comes up to the two of us with his hands on his hips, big strong man, and says to me, What did you say? What will I do if you both leave at the same time? Im shaking with fear, and he looks round at everyone with that smarty smile of his, but then he got the surprise of his life because the other girls, Moran and Sophie and Elazra, they crowded round us and said that if Miri and me went they would too and Menahem went all pale and said, Whats got into you? Are you mad? and he started walking back to his office and we followed him a bit and we waited until he went into his office and closed the door and then we went back to our stations and we were ever so pleased with ourselves and Elazra did his "whats got into you are you mad" and Moran, whos usually quiet, did it too, and we all clapped and got enthusiastic about the new talent wed discovered and then they did "whats got into you are you mad" together and that was something! But after we clowned around like that, poking fun at Menahem, he came out again with that nasty smile of his and said that Head Office was sending someone to talk to us this evening and that shut us up, even Elazra didnt say anything, and then Menahem talked our ears off about the man who was coming on behalf of Head Office, him being one of the share holders. And he actually did come. Five minutes before closing time there came this young guy, drop dead gorgeous, while wed been sure it would be some old man, and he came in this big car and waited outside until the customers had all gone and Menahem went out to him and invited him to come in and closed the main door after him and said we should come and sit in his office and opened a packet of biscuits and said he was going to make coffee for all of us. You could have died laughing how he sucked up to him, but none of us was laughing, and the young guy from Head Office waved his hand at Menahem to take it easy, and we stood there in front of him in our uniforms, dead on our feet after the days work, and him in a new white suit and the smell of aftershave, to die for, and he started to talk. He said that the way to get the customers back wasnt only specials and cutting prices, the most important thing was personal attention, and anyone who got used to a nice smile from the cashier at his local supermarket and a few nice words to start the day off right would never swap that for the twenty cashiers on the three floors of the shopping mall even if they were fashion plates like in America and anyway even in America theyd found out that what people were looking for was something else altogether and the little shops with the human touch had even more success than the huge stores and bounced back more quickly from a crisis and he looked at us with a smile and went, Theres no arguing about it, were not missing a thing here, weve got beauty, weve got the personal touch, and me, my heart was like a yo-yo, whod have believed I could still get excited when a nice-looking man is standing there giving out the compliments and the nice words, especially when he looked each one of us in the eyes like he was speaking to her personally and told us, You cashiers, youre the front line, and I can tell youre great girls, a little smile here, a nice word there and theyll all come back to our store, but then he added that in the meantime the situation was difficult and if business didnt look up straight away, much as they didnt want to theyd have to fire some cashiers, and while theyd try to cut down the number getting the sack theyd almost certainly have to fire at least one, and in actual fact it was absolutely certain that theyd have to do it in the next few days, and to prevent unpleasantness like what hed already heard happened in the store, the decision as to who to fire would be made by Head Office, not by the store manager, and he said all that without taking the smile off his face and he kept looking at Miri and Miri blushed but she wasnt embarrassed, she stared right back, and I was happy for her because it was clear by then that she wouldnt be fired. So today we started offering specials like in the shopping mall, buy two get the third free, buy one get the second half-price, and there were going to be prizes too and raffles of weekends at the Dead Sea and flights to Turkey and I dunno what else, but today was Friday and theres always a few more customers on Friday, there were even small queues at the stations and everyone was happy. Only me, I looked at the trolleys that people were filling up for the weekend and I thought about my fridge. You could hold a wedding in my fridge and Im not talking about the happy atmosphere inside, Im talking about all the room. My fridge is empty. One and a half tomatoes and two cucumbers and one yoghurt that Gili ate half of and I cant bring myself to throw away, and theres half a carton of milk and three eggs in the door and a piece of yellow cheese and margarine, sometimes theres also a pot of yesterdays soup, what can I do if Gili wont touch home-cooked food, its Ma, give me money for a burger in the new mall, he doesnt even want to look at the food I cooked for him, and I almost get down on my knees, Youre a growing boy, youre fifteen, if you dont eat youll never grow, but hes so sweet, hes already off with his friends. Him, his father liked eating. Liked? He was crazy about food, thats what he did best, tucking into a meal and getting me into bed, and when I was telling Miri about it I even smiled because I was remembering that my life was happy too once, but peoples hearts, when they bring up the happy times, all the sad things come out as well, and I got tears in my eyes when I went on telling Miri how it was, because how can you not cry when you give your life and your heart to someone and he takes and takes and in the beginning hes nice while hes taking, but later on he stops being nice and he only takes, and even when I knew that something bad was coming I went on giving and he went on taking and I made like I didnt mind. Then he started talking. He put these papers down on the table and talked about these agreements that we had to make regarding our life and he put his hand on my shoulder and he patted my head a bit and I almost fainted, oh, I wanted to hold him and never let him go, I wanted him to stay with me and Gili and everything to be like it was once, and I was as innocent as a newborn babe, I signed here, I signed there and I thought that from now on everything would be all right, how could it not be all right if he was smiling at me and putting his hands on me, but in the end I had to leave our flat and he found me a place to live, a lousy hole, and then he asks me where all our money is and I asked him what money and he said The money from the wedding and when he said the wedding I felt my heart melting and I said to him, That was a long time ago, our wedding, and he said Thats what I mean, it was a long time ago and money thats squirrelled away for a long time gets fatter and fatter just like you and his eyes were cold, not like once, and then he said I was a thief and I started to realize that something awful was going on and I said Whats going to happen now, what about me and Gili? And he said, You know how to take care of your child, dont you thats what he said, your child, and I said to him whats this "my child," hes yours too, and then he said Im not taking any bets on that, how do I know who you screwed around with? I told Miri all this and she said I ought to forget the bastard, forget him quick and start living a new life, but you tell me how I can forget him. I stroke his checked jacket thats still in the wardrobe and I look at his shoes which are still behind the door, almost new, he wore them once, maybe, and never bothered with them again, thats the way he was with clothes, buy new, wear them a bit, and lose interest, and I never said a word, I only waited for him to come home in the evening so I could put my arms round him and give him a kiss, but now my life is over, I cant begin again, I know it every morning when I get up and wash my face in water thats all brown from the rusting pipes, two-roomed flat it said in the ad but actually its only one room divided down the middle, on one side theres Gili and on the other theres me, and you cant go barefoot in the kitchen at night because of the cockroaches staring at you from all over the place, and sometimes when I get up for a drink of water I put on the light in the kitchen and look at them, the cockroaches, I look at them and they look at me and I go on tiptoes not to tread on them, theyre the same as me, I say to myself, were the same, everyone walks all over us. And when Im sitting at my station in the supermarket, ringing up the milk and the bread and the five percent cheese and yoghurt and special offer sardines and soya oil and humus and laundry powder and I dunno what else, taking money, giving change, I feel fed up with life. I want a different life. Why cant a person trade his life in and get a new one? But when I say so to Miri, she takes my hands and kisses them and says, Stop talking so silly, Liora, stop it, and I think that if its true what they say, that sometimes good luck rubs off, then maybe some of Miris luck will rub off on me, and I say to myself, thats it, from now Im going on a diet because once men used to give me the eye when I walked down the street but now I look like a cow. Yesterday Miri said to me, Come on, Liora, lets see you dance a bit, and she put her walkman over my ears and the music was great and I shook my fanny to the beat and everyone laughed and clapped, me with my arms in the air, shaking my fanny. And in the evening, after that young guy from Head Office left and Miri and me hung up our uniforms with the supermarket logo on the pegs behind Menahems office with the glass walls, where he had his back to us, Miri pursed her lips like she was sending him a kiss in the air and said, just like they do in the TV movies, Bye, honey! And we laughed, the two of us, all the way to the bus stop, and we pushed to the front of the queue like we always do when Im with Miri, in two shakes were first in line, and the driver looks at Miri and asks, Where are you girls off to this evening? And Miri said to him, Whats it got to do with you? And I tried to be smart, I said, Were going wherever you take us, and he said with two pretty girls like us he had lots of ideas where to take us, and Miri pulled me away, Come on, dont get your knickers in a twist over him, youll have millions more like him, and the driver gave us our change and smiled at us and said to go inside, and I said to Miri, Isnt he gorgeous, look, hes looking at us through the mirror over his head, and then I got sad, so low I could hardly breathe, I was quiet the rest of the journey until Miri said, Youre the queen of the blues, you are, whats the matter now? She got off at her stop and I went on for another three stops, and this kid looks at me and he gets up and says, You can have this seat, lady, and I said No thanks, Im getting off soon, and when the bus stopped on Rothschild Boulevard I got off even though I had one more stop, and I walked along ever so quickly without looking where I was going, I bumped into people and I stepped in dog shit and when I got home Gili wasnt there, and I lay down on the bed, done in, until I said to myself, Get up, Liora, get up, and I went out and walked as far as the sea front, I walked around a bit and I bought myself an ice cream and had coffee in a cafe and instead of going home I went into a cinema, I didnt care what it was showing, and I decided that if anyone sat down next to me and tried to start with me Id be nice, I wouldnt say no straight off, like Miri told me, if someone starts up with you dont be like that hedgehog on the childrens show on TV, you dont have to get prickly, you can be nice to people, dont think youre the only woman who goes to a movie by herself. But no one sat down next to me, and apart from me there were only a few old people and one couple who were necking the whole time. Then I went back home and Gili wasnt back yet and I lay down on the bed and fell asleep and I dreamed God, what a dream! I dreamed I was going to get married to someone who looked like our Menahem, the snake, but it wasnt Menahem, I knew in the dream it wasnt him, only it drove me crazy not knowing who it was, and we were getting married in a church, like the movie they showed in the cinema, and I thought, Why a church? and it was dark in there and you couldnt see anything and I almost screamed but the scream didnt come out, and this morning Miri called me again and said shed had a dreadful feeling all night and she couldnt wait for it to be morning to call and see if I was all right, and I said I was, and when I got to work Miri asked me what was going on, and I suddenly remembered that when Gili came home late last night I woke up a bit and he started on me, why did we get divorced, his dad and me. I was half asleep and hardly knew what I was saying, I told him the magic had gone out of our marriage, we didnt have the same emotional commitment to each other any more, the words just came out of my mouth, and I told Miri, and when she heard it she started to laugh. Laugh? she almost fell off her chair.

Whered you dig up those words, she asked me, and I said to her, how should I know where they come from, maybe I got them out of the air, and she was really laughing, she was bent double laughing so hard that I caught it off her, and Moran and Sophie and Elazra as well, we all rolled up laughing and Miri said to me, Youre something else, honest, and she came over and hugged and kissed me and asked What was it you said? The magic went out of your marriage, you didnt have the same emotional commitment to each other any more? Thats the most! Whered you get those words, Liora, where?